


Three Little Words

by TearslikeHoney



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Catra POV, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Pre-Canon, She-Ra season 5 spoilers, Spoilers, Time Skips, mostly internal monologue, without the comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:22:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25754269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TearslikeHoney/pseuds/TearslikeHoney
Summary: Catra kept her feelings buried deep within her until she could almost forget they were there. She could ignore the way her pulse quickened when Adora touched her, ignore the lump in her throat when Adora laughed, ignore the ache in her chest when she watched Adora from afar. She had gotten so good at it that those feelings just felt like a dream.OrFive times Catra didn't tell Adora she loved her and the one time she did.
Relationships: Adora & Catra (She-Ra), Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 100





	Three Little Words

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuse for this one, I just love angst.

The first time was when they were still kids, innocent to the world and all the heartache it held in store for them.

She didn’t know then, what her feelings truly meant or the weight those words held. But Catra knew that whenever she saw Adora, she only ever wanted to be by her side. One of the older cadets had told them about the concept of marriage, they couldn’t have been older than seven or eight. All of the younger cadets took turns marrying each other within their little squads. All except Catra. She and Adora had gone first and Catra’s chest felt tight as Lonnie pronounced them married. She had been so happy in that moment, though she wouldn’t be able to name that feeling for a long time. After that, Adora married Lonnie, but when Kyle approached Catra, she scratched him hard enough to draw blood. She only wanted to be married to Adora. That was when Shadow Weaver had found them, as Kyle married Rogelio and Adora officiated. Of course, Catra was the one punished. Shadow Weaver had dug her fingers into Catra’s arm as she was dragged away from the others so hard she felt it days later.

“Explain,” Shadow Weaver said in that haunting voice of hers that had always scared Catra when she was young.

“It’s not my fault!” Catra exclaimed, tears already forming in her eyes. “Octavia taught us what it was! They thought it would be fun! I only did it once, Shadow Weaver, I only married Adora, you have to believe me!” Shadow Weaver turned on her instantly, her hair struggling to keep up with the snap of her neck. 

“And why is that, child?” The softness of her tone immediately set Catra’s fur on end. She shifted uncomfortably on her feet, twiddling with her tail in her hands, and mumbled something. “Speak up, Catra, you know how I so  _ loathe _ mumbling.” Catra could still feel the pain on the backs of her legs from that lesson.

“I dunno, I didn’t wanna play anymore. I just wanted to marry Adora and be done. I… I only like her. Or maybe, I dunno, more than like…” It had been the wrong thing to say, and what Shadow Weaver said after proved it. Those words made her blood turn to ice in her veins and would stick with her for many many years.

As soon as the guards had finished bunk check and the lights went out, Adora climbed up into Catra’s bunk where she had been crying, under her blanket.

“Catra?” Adora said in that soft voice as she got under the blanket as well. “Are you okay?” Catra only sniffed in response, refusing to look at her. Adora moved closer and hugged her tight. Guilt immediately seared in her stomach. “I’ve got you, remember?” Catra nodded.

“Can I ask? Why did you scratch Kyle?” Adora’s voice had been tinged with concern. It didn’t occur to Catra until much later that that was what Adora thought Shadow Weaver punished her for. But how could she tell Adora the truth? She was punished for wanting too much. 

“I didn’t want to play anymore.” Her voice lilted with her tears. Adora laughed just a little, to lighten Catra’s spirit. 

“But you only married me!”

_ Because I love you _ , the words were right there on her lips.

_ Do you really think you deserve someone like Adora? You are so far beneath her, not worth the dirt beneath her boot. She is destined for greatness, you are destined for an unmarked grave, you insolent brat. Adora will do much better than you. _

“It’s a stupid game for stupid babies!” Catra’s ears folded back against her head when she saw Adora’s face. But the blonde girl only nodded and snuggled closer.

“Okay, Catra,” she was quiet in the darkness until she spoke again, the smile apparent in her voice. “I’m glad you picked me to marry.”

Catra prayed Adora wouldn’t hear her heart pounding. Shadow Weaver’s words echoed in her ears.

That was the last time they slept side by side, Catra insisted on sleeping at the foot of Adora’s bed at the most thereafter. They never played marriage again.

* * *

The second time snuck up on her in a moment of hurt.

Catra hadn’t thought about the marriage game in years. She kept her feelings buried deep within her until she could almost forget they were there. Catra could ignore the way her pulse quickened when Adora touched her, ignore the lump in her throat when Adora laughed, ignore the ache in her chest when she watched Adora from afar. She had gotten so good at it that those feelings just felt like a dream. And then Adora left and Catra’s entire world shattered. 

She was never able to put into words how she truly felt because she spent so long burying her feelings. Catra wanted to hurt Adora, to make her hurt as much as she made Catra hurt. But those reactions in her body didn’t stop, no matter how hard she shoved them down, so she convinced herself they were simply the result of her anger, her hurt, her hate. Catra threw herself into her world, doing her best to forget Adora. And yet, Shadow Weaver insisted on sending her to retrieve Adora. Had she truly and honestly tried, Catra may have been able to do it. But she didn’t want Adora to come back, she didn’t want to see her, she couldn’t take the feelings that would arise if Adora was in such close vicinity. Perhaps that was why she was so quick to let Adora escape the Fright Zone after Princess Prom. That night had been almost too much, but Catra never let it show, she was too disciplined for that. She was smooth and cocky as she always had been, ignoring the pounding of her heart as she danced with Adora. For a moment, just a moment, when Catra dipped Adora low, she thought of their fake wedding for the first time in almost a decade. It took her by such surprise that she wasn’t able to dodge when the blonde pushed her. Anger filled her stomach for the rest of the night, even after they escaped with the prisoners. 

Everything after that was a blur. Seeing Adora in the Fright Zone again jolted Catra’s whole nervous system. She knew what Shadow Weaver intended to do, and it almost made her sick. Catra had grabbed the sword as soon as she left the Black Garnet chamber in a moment of madness. She needed Adora gone before she did something stupid. After that, there was a sense of calm that washed over Catra. She gained more control over herself after Adora was gone. Then the Crystal Castle happened.

Catra had planned on just slipping in behind Adora, stealing some tech for Entrapta’s experiments, and sneaking right back out unseen. But, once again, her plans did not go as expected. Moving through their memories together was a constant punch in the gut for Catra. And what was worse was the familiarity between them. It made Catra angry. Why did Adora get to know so much about her? Why did she get to see Catra during her most vulnerable moments? She wanted Adora to forget everything she knew about her. Catra wasn’t the same person Adora left in Thaymor, and Adora wasn’t the same either.

“Hey, I miss you too.” There it was, the words that melted away all her hate and anger. It was like it used to be for those precious seconds, they were inseparable, not happy per se but content, as if they could leave and be back in their bunk at the end of the night. But as the memories played, Catra realized that couldn’t be further from the truth. All of that hurt, all of that anger surged back as she watched how close they had been.

_ You promise _ ?

She and Adora were different people now, on different paths. It would be better if Catra simply forgot about Adora. As Catra cut the spider silk, the words came to her lips once more but she dared not speak them. If no one knew, it didn’t matter. If no one knew, it wasn’t real.

“I wonder what I could have been if I had gotten rid of you sooner.”  _ If I had never loved you _ . Catra tossed the sword and tried to forget.

* * *

The third time doesn’t count since that reality was fake and no longer exists.

A part of Catra always knew that the world they were in was wrong. But she ignored it. She felt so happy being so close to Adora again. It felt like coming home as they joked and laughed together. Catra’s heart swelled during every moment with Adora she had and it was easy to accept that reality, no matter how fake it was, it was easy to forget. And then Adora began to remember. Catra’s stomach had sunk when she realized what was going on. Of course that would happen. Of course her happiness would be taken from her again. 

Adora had dragged her through the Whispering Woods, running away from the reality breaking light. Catra could see it, but like everything else, she believed that if she simply ignored it, it would disappear. But Adora… Adora just couldn’t let go. They fought and that sickening feeling filled Catra’s stomach again. Everything felt like it had in the reality Catra had tried to destroy. She just wanted Adora back. She just wanted to live the life they were supposed to live, no magic sword no She-Ra, just them in the Fright Zone, taking over the world. The more Adora talked about fixing things, the angrier she got. Nothing needed fixed. Why couldn’t she just leave it?

“Why can’t you just stay?”  _ Why can’t you just love me? Why am I never enough?  _

It was in that moment that she knew she would never have what she wanted. She would never truly be happy. That was why she let go. 

* * *

The fourth time was the closest Catra ever came to saying it.

“I want to do that one good thing in my life.” It was never about Glimmer. Even though Adora hated her, the only thing Catra could do was protect her. She and Glimmer had bonded, just for a few moments, and that was all she needed. She would do that good thing, she would use the rest of her worthless life to save the woman she had loved and hated and couldn’t stand and wanted to burn the world down for. 

Catra’s heart had pounded so hard as she dragged Glimmer through the halls of Prime’s ship. Every second was precious, especially once they had been found. She would never forget how Glimmer had looked at her when Catra told her what she was doing all this for. She had spent the last few years completely opposing the Queen of Bright Moon. That night when they had bonded, for a moment, Catra felt a bit of the weight on her chest lift. She could just imagine the three of them having sleepovers, they were all such dorks. Not for the first time, Catra wondered what would have happened if she had taken Adora’s hand in Thaymor, if she had left the Horde and joined the Rebellion. Would Adora’s new friends have the same love for her? Somehow, she doubted it. No one could love Catra, not even platonically. Adora had made that clear.

“There’s no one left in the entire universe who cares about me,” she had told Glimmer. She couldn’t afford to believe any different, it was too late. When she heard Adora’s voice, her chest ached and her heart broke yet again. It had been so long since she had seen or heard Adora, she didn’t realize how hard it would hit her. Her decision was permanent. She was going to do that one good thing, nothing else mattered because she wouldn’t survive being caught.

“I’m sending Glimmer to you. I don’t know your exact location, but I can get her to your quadrant. You  _ have _ to be there to catch her.” The words spilled out of Catra’s mouth as fast as she would let them. The clones were at the doors, banging loudly and prying them open little by little.

“Wait, what? What’s going on? Glimmer is with you?” The tone in Adora’s voice had stirred all those long buried feelings. She wondered if Adora had ever sounded like that when she spoke of Catra.

“We don’t have time,” Catra said, though at that moment she didn’t know if it was more for Adora or herself. “You need to get to these coordinates now.” She took a breath, one thought running through her head as she sealed her own fate. “Don’t come here, no matter what.” The clones began to swarm Catra and she did her best to fight them off. She couldn’t give up, not yet. As soon as Glimmer was gone, as soon as Adora was safe, she would accept whatever punishment Prime had planned. 

“Catra, I don’t understand. What is-”

“Just listen!” She was out of time. “Adora,”  _ I love you _ . “I’m sorry! For everything!”

It took all the strength Catra had left to rip her arm from one of the clones’ grasp and drag her hand along the transporter panel. Tears had burned in her eyes as she watched Glimmer become engulfed in green static and fade away. She had done it. For once in her life, she had done the right thing. Adora would be safe. Maybe she would never love Catra, but she had a chance now. A chance to find true happiness, a chance to find someone she did love. As Catra was beaten and dragged to Horde Prime’s feet, she knew she would make the same decision every time. Adora couldn’t love her, but she would live.

* * *

The last time was the hardest.

After all they had been through, after all they had sacrificed, Adora still came back for her. She was still saving Catra no matter what. But who was going to save Adora? The savior complex had worried Catra enough when they were on opposing sides but now that they were on the same side again, it was horrifying. The first one charging into danger, the first one giving herself up, was Adora. The failsafe had been the final straw for Catra. As much as she cared for Adora, and that was a whole other issue, she couldn’t sit by any longer and watch her flagrant disregard for her own life. 

What angered Catra to no end was the fact that no one else seemed to care. Catra was the only one who opposed Adora absorbing the failsafe. She was the only one who even asked what would happen to her when she went to the Heart of Etheria. How could these people claim to be her friends, claim to care about her, and then just allow Adora to kill herself? They fed into these ideology Adora had that she was the only one who could do it, that it was her destiny. Destiny. Just to die? That couldn’t be true. How could Adora go through so much, survive so much, just for this to be the end? How could that possibly be fair?

Catra didn’t want to leave, but every time she thought of what would happen to Adora, her heart pounded in her ears and she felt so sick. All of those feelings Catra had repressed and buried since they were young were pumping through his body like her own blood that she could barely remember how to stop them. Horde Prime had not only taken over her mind and body, he had released all that she had been holding in, and Catra hated it. She couldn’t breathe when she thought of how it took what happened to her to bring those feelings out, to force her to confront them. Prime took those feelings from her, he stole those secrets and laid them bare for the world. 

And now there she was, having to watch Adora sacrifice herself as if it was something noble. But she didn’t. She couldn’t. How could she force herself to bare witness to Adora’s suicide when she had finally accepted the feelings she had for Adora? That was why she left. She didn’t want to hurt Adora, with them finally in a good place together again, but after everything, she couldn’t stay. Especially not with Shadow Weaver in Adora’s ear. Of course Catra was a distraction. Shadow Weaver had always told her so, that she was only going to get in Adora’s way, that she was going to jeopardize Adora’s future. S _ he is destined for greatness, you are destined for an unmarked grave, you insolent brat. Adora will do much better than you. _ The words echoed in her ears. It seemed like more than a lifetime ago, the marriage game. She had never been the same after that day.

And, of course, they fought. She thought of the time in the portal reality, how she had almost said it then, how she begged Adora to stay. Looking back, the irony was not lost on her.

“Why?” Catra could hear the desperation ringing in her voice and it made her skin crawl. “Why are you like this? Why do you always have to sacrifice everything for everyone else? When do you get to choose?”  _ When will you finally choose me? _ The questions rushed out of her before she could stop them, all that had been running through her head since the mission to retrieve the failsafe. The tears dripped down her cheeks. “What do you want, Adora?” Perhaps she had wanted Adora to say she wanted her. In a perfect world, she would have. 

“I… I have to do this, Catra. I’m the only one who can!” There was her answer. Adora didn’t want her, not like she wanted Adora. She never would. And all that hoping, all that rage and hurt that stemmed from this feeling of never being enough for the person she would raize the universe for, lifted from her body as she stood there before Adora.

“Then do it. That’s what you want. That’s what you’ll always choose,”  _ you’ll never choose me _ . “I don’t have to stay and watch it happen.”

“Catra, please… stay.” Her own voice echoed in her ears when Adora spoke, all of the times she had wanted Adora to be by her side, to be with her even if it was never going to be in the way she truly wanted. But Catra couldn’t do it anymore. “I need you.”

“No you don’t. You never have.”  _ But I needed you. I love you. _

Catra had disappeared with Melog into the trees as she tried desperately to keep her breathing even. She felt that familiar ache of anger in her stomach but it was not the same as it once had been. It was dull, more like how a healing bruise aches when touched, though it doesn’t hurt as when it first appeared. Perhaps she could live with that ache. Perhaps in time, if she survived Prime’s invasion, she could even come to love that ache again. 

* * *

Catra had gone back to warn Adora. Somehow, someway, something always brought them back together. But Catra was changed. She didn’t hope anymore, she didn’t want to. But something inside her told her that Adora needed her by her side. She couldn’t let Adora go it alone, not even after everything. She raced to Shadow Weaver, demanded she take her to where Adora was in the chambers near the Heart. It was a race against time, and in the back of Catra’s mind she thought of Horde Prime’s ship, when she had sent Glimmer through space. Now she was racing to Adora instead of the other way around. When she found Bow and Glimmer, her heart was racing and her stomach was in her throat. Adora was alone. She couldn’t be alone, not now, not like this. She-Ra wasn’t even working right, the Heart was going to kill her. She couldn’t be alone.

“We can’t just leave Adora,” Glimmer said. They had to leave, to save the other princesses.

“I’ll stay, I’ll find her.”

“Catra-” Glimmer had that same look on her face she had in the transportation lab on Horde Prime’s ship. Somehow, Catra had a feeling that she knew something Catra didn’t.

“I can’t lose her again, okay?” Catra’s hands shook. It all came flooding back. Leaving had been a mistake, she saw that now. She should have been there, she should have gone with Adora in the first place. The thought of losing her, truly losing her, lit Catra’s skin aflame. Every bit and piece of their past raced through her mind.

_ You promise? _

“I promised her a long time ago that I’d look out for her. It’s time I made good on that.” Glimmer hugged her and Catra was taken by surprise. But she leaned into it, the slightest bit. She would find Adora and she would stay with her, no matter what happened.

When Shadow Weaver died, a weight lifted from her chest. Tears fell, pressure filled her body, but there was a relief. Shadow Weaver had never truly cared for them, but in her final moments she did more for them than she had their entire lives. Her words rang again in Catra’s ears, fainter this time. Every step they took, Catra thought about Shadow Weaver, what she had taught them, what she had put them through. But she couldn’t find it within herself to hate her. They went to the Heart together and Catra could barely see straight. The constant pulsing made her ears ring and the green virus that infected the chamber was spreading fast. This was it. She could see the toll it had already taken on Adora. But no matter how scared she was, she wasn’t leaving. Not for anything. Catra was in it until the end, she always had been. She could lie to herself all she wanted but, the world didn’t exist without Adora. There was nothing left for her but Adora. They would go together, or not at all. Catra wouldn’t allow it.

“I’m ready.”  _ But I’m not. I could never be ready for this. _ Catra grabbed her hands and held them tight in her own.

“No. I’m staying with you.”  _ After all this time, you and me at the end of the world, just like we promised. _

The virus had taken hold of Adora. She couldn’t turn into She-Ra and green infected cuts appeared all over her body. It had taken all of her strength. Adora collapsed onto the floor and Catra held her body, panic setting in. This couldn’t be it. Prime couldn’t win like this, not after all they had done.  _ It doesn’t always have to be you! _ The endless fighting, opposing each other, Princess Prom, the battle of Bright Moon, the portal, all of it melted away as she held Adora’s body close. She had never ever looked so weak, so frail. Catra’s heart was racing and she could feel the sting of tears in her eyes. 

“Adora! Adora, stay awake!” That same desperation filled her voice. This couldn’t be it, Adora wasn’t done, not even close. Not yet.

“Adora, please you have to wake up! You can’t give up. You have never given up on anything in your life, not even on me… so don’t you dare start now.” The Heart above them crackled with electricity, the entire chamber beginning to collapse. “I’ve got you, I’m not letting go.” The words surged out of her, every feeling that she had since they were children, since that stupid marriage game filled her mind. She had to do something, she had to save Adora. There was no time. “Don’t you get it?” Of all the times that Catra wanted to tell her how she felt, of all the times she had wished Adora felt the same, of all the time lost, and lives missed, and moments that would never happen, this was it. “I love you! I always have. So, please, just this once… stay!”

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to the lovely paradoxiii for being my beta for this piece! Please go follow her on tumblr, she is the best <3


End file.
